I miss you Ray
by daxy
Summary: Horatio talks to Raymond


**AN: This takes place in "Lost Son".**

Horatio stood in the quiet cemetery. He hadn't been here in a very long time, not since Raymond had been buried.

It was so hard for him to come here.

He always felt tears welling up in his eyes when he saw Raymond's grave stone. His little brother was laying in a coffin.

He had decided to talk to Raymond. It would be the first time since he was buried. So far he had never been able to talk to Ray. It hurt to much.

"Hey Raymond." He began and instantly felt tears running down his cheeks. He didn´t wipe them off. ´Cause he didn´t care if anyone saw him crying. Right now he just needed to cry.

"I know its been a long time since I was here and I'm sorry for that. I've been meaning to come here more often, its just that… its so hard for me to be here. I uh… I lost a colleague today. Speed. He got shot in the heart and died in my arms."

Horatio took a deep breath. All day long he had been going around asking everybody how they were doing, and telling them that if they needed to talk, they could always call him. He had almost forgotten that Speed was dead until now.

"I can see his face in front of me. He looked so scared and I told him everything would be okay. I lied. I lied to him.

I can't really imagine not seeing him at work tomorrow. Just like I still can't stop expecting to see you everyday."

Horatio was now really crying, the tears just wouldn't stop coming and he couldn't remember the last time he had been this sad.

"I miss you Ray. I miss you a lot, and I wish I could see you again. If only for a minute. I wish I could tell you face to face that I love you. I keep thinking that maybe if I hadn't been so protective of you, you wouldn't have been trying to do the opposite of what I said all the time. Then maybe you would still be alive."

Horatio reached into the pocket of his jacket, he took out a photograph. It was on Raymond and Ray JR as a three-year old.

"I brought this picture of you and JR. He's three on this picture. He's older now of course, and he misses you a lot too. I try to be there for him without protecting him too much. I don't want him to feel that I'm keeping him from testing things in life. I love him very much, and he makes me want to have a bunch of kids myself. Though I doubt that will ever happen.

I know I have to open up to make a relationship work, but I've been hurt too many times to really trust someone with my past and feelings. You were the only one I could really talk to."

Horatio placed the picture at Raymond's grave stone.

"I think you should have this picture. It shows two happy people and maybe that will brighten up this cemetery." He chuckled a little.

"I wake up everyday and the first thing I think of is the fight we had the day you died. As always we were fighting about your undercover work and as always we left each other being angry. I don't even remember how the fight started or what we really said to each other anymore. I just know that I wished I could have said something else. You died without knowing how much I love you and that you were such a big part of my life."

Horatio paused for a moment. Sobbing.

"I never thought you would die before me, and it should have been me that died that day. You had so much more to loose. You had Yelina and Ray JR.

I keep thinking that maybe I should tell someone, who is alive, all this that I'm telling you now. But the only people I can think of to tell shouldn't have to deal with my emotional crap. And right now, everybody is grieving Speed."

Horatio paused. Speed. He should have checked his gun. He could have just asked him if he was cleaning his gun, or when he had last test fired it to see that nothing was wrong. But he just couldn't find the damn time to ask him, and now he was dead.

"You know how some people say that, as time goes by it gets easier to move on when you lost someone, that for everyday that goes by, it gets easier to handle. Well, its not working on me, I miss you more everyday, and its getting harder for me to go home everyday. Because I got no one to hold, and no one who will hold me when I come home. I come home to a boring apartment and I see all my boring stuff. I just want someone to wake up with someone in the morning, but every time I meet someone, I either hurt them or they hurt me.

I know I made you a promise once, that if anything ever happened to you, I would take good care of myself, and would die as an old man in a warm bed. I don't think I can keep that promise much longer. Its getting to hard. Right now I don't know whether or nor I should just take my gun and pull the trigger. One squeeze on the trigger and this would all be over. I think I have to make up my mind, and if I am going to kill myself, it will have to wait. ´Cause I don't want to add more pain to my team at the moment."

Horatio stood up and wiped the tears of off his cheeks.

"Anyway, its getting late, I think I'll come back next week. Goodbye for now, little brother."

**AN: Well, I have to say, that was hard to write. I was thinking about how hard it would be to lose someone I love and care about. I hope that never happens. I'd like to thank my beta, Queen Sunstar.**

**Please review.**


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